at the end of the day, i’m still the same person i was.
No matter how much i tell myself to be more realistic, and that reality isn’t what i imagined, I’m still pretty much an idealist, and i have hopes and dreams that are pretty much unattainable. As much as i tell myself to be independent, a part of me can’t help but want to be dependent on others, to be attached emotionally and physically to another being other than myself. IDK if it’s even my fault that i get attached to people easily, and it’s really not easy to detach yourself from everything in a desperate bid to protect oneself from unnecessary trouble.
One thing that i really really miss is having a confidante, someone who i can really, really be myself to. Don’t get me wrong, i love my friends and i’m very thankful for them being there every step of the way, but it’s just.. different. Someone who you can tell every single shit to and you don’t need to be careful of what you say/filter your words, someone who you can laugh with, cry to, scream at.. whatever. someone who’s emotionally dependable and who you know will be there, be it school troubles, family issues or whatever small or hugeass thing you’re facing. Someone who you can turn to for advice, or simply a listening ear.
I tried being my own confidante and being there for myself but really, talking to yourself and keeping everything to yourself doesn’t actually work that well. i think that i’m definitely more independent and much, much stronger than before, but don’t everyone have these kinda moments where you really want someone to be there for you indefinitely?
[Not that i’m facing troubles or whatever (I’m actually reasonably happy and contented right now), but it’s just one of those nights when all these incoherent, random thoughts are all jumbled up in my head and i just need to pen them down somewhere.]
At the end of the day, love still plays a big part in my life, and it always will. I’d still always be that secretly hopeless romantic (though not so sekret anymore), a sucker for cuddles, bear hugs, belting out songs out loud together without a regard for tune, holding hands, goodmorning/goodnight messages, and all the other cheesy stuff that makes people gag. A part of me actually misses that type of dependence that two people have on each other.
But right now, I’m happy enough just knowing, and believing, that love still exists, and looking at couples on the street/around me makes me happy. It may take 10 years (or i may be #foreveralone), but i’ve got love overflowing from everywhere else in the form of my friends and family, and i think that’s good enough for me.
